2020: the year that just keeps on taking. It wafts the promise of imminent Christopher Nolan films under our noses, then snatches them away like an evil nibbles waitress. It hints that we might be spared the hideousness of Kanye West spewing anti-abortion rants all over the Presidential campaign trail, then signs him up at the Federal Elections Committee, presumably after heated discussions over whether submissions in block capitals over 38 additional pages are still valid.
And it keeps on promising us gigs, despite them being all-but incapable of coming through. This is, of course, entirely down to the incompetence, ineptitude and chronic unhipness of our headless chicken Government. These are people for whom the word âgigâ is just the prefix for â-illionaireâ they use to reflect how much money their donors have stashed away in Vanuatu; theyâve only ever been to âconcertsâ, unfailingly featuring Rod Stewart. Theyâve never watched their last grains of ketamine roll down a 45-degree plywood cistern into a clogged metallic toilet with a piss-drenched plastic horseshoe for a seat. They donât know what theyâre dealing with here.
âYou can have drive-in gigs!â, they told us, ignoring the fact that theyâd only be able to happen amid local lockdowns if the entire country adopted the ‘If in doubt, drive to Durhamâ approach to corona containment. âSocially distanced indoor gigs for all!â, they trumpet, ignorant of the fact that such events would only come close to being financially viable if they were populated entirely by people such as myself â happy to stand on my own at the back and drink for three.
Itâs exactly the short-sighted and feckless attitude youâd expect from the people who thought weâd all rush out to risk our lives in return for the sort of Pizza Hut 2-4-1 discount that Wowcher lobs at our spam folder most Mondays. A few weeks ago, probably the minute they got wind that their box at the Proms might be at risk, the Government finally stumped up ÂŁ1.57 billion to keep the countryâs venues alive, but this, it turned out, was just the start of the battle.
Within days, The Polar Bear and The Welly in Hull announced imminent closures, and private buyers stepped into the breach to try to save Manchesterâs Gorilla and Deaf Institute. The bailout had come too late for them, highlighting another risk to the music scene in a country run by disaster capitalists with overflowing brains of straw.
Nothing, you see, gets a Tory hornier than the thought of a gleaming block of empty investment flats where a bothersome long-standing cultural diamond used to be. And Johnsonâs recently-announced ÂŁ250 billion âProject Speedâ, designed to shred current planning restrictions in order to rush through a home-building tsunami that will swallow up âredundant commercial buildingsâ (like, say, your struggling local gristle rock club), is ringing alarm bells over at Music Venues Trust. They recall similar issues around the Toriesâ Permitted Development scheme, which closed hundreds of venues before protections were put in place.
âThere needs to be a law that stops venues from being turned into anything else until this pandemic is over,â renowned poet and scholar Guy Garvey noted last week, âotherwise weâre going to lose some serious building blocks of not just music, but culture in the future.â At time of writing, remember, the number of major bands who built their fanbase and rose to prominence out of a Foxtons show flat remains zero.
If â a big if â the Tories are honest and dedicated enough to get the funds to the venues that need it before itâs too late, they shouldnât be expected to reopen under the Governmentâs financially ruinous outlines for socially distanced gigs, the equivalent of welfare services sending your Universal Credit straight to Foxy Bingo. And, crucially, theyâll still need decent bands around to play.
Snow Patrolâs Jonny Quinn expressed concern last week that none of that ÂŁ1.57 billion is likely to reach rising bands who rely almost entirely on touring income to stay afloat, and that promising careers could well be derailed. Various industry support schemes might provide destitute musicians with the odd Cup-A-Soup, but as Quinn says, âthereâs been nothing I can see for anybody in music who is self-employed.â
Nonetheless rock is trying, against the odds, to heal itself. Signs are good that the Virgin Money Unity Arena at Newcastle Racecourse has cracked the two-metre rule with the introduction of individual viewing platforms, in time for gigs by the likes of The Libertines, Supergrass and Two Door Cinema Club next month (and if that venue runs into cashflow problems Richard Branson could always sue the NHS again).
Most sensible bands and promoters are holding off shows until 2021 at the earliest â Lollapaloozaâs Marc Geiger believes the major leaguers wonât be back in action until 2022 â but Johnsonâs lifting of gig restrictions has already seen regional pub car parks fill with covers acts and virus-defying local bands. Which raises the rather terrifying proposition that this yearâs Christmas Number One might well be âWe Told You It Was A Hoaxâ by The Anti-Vaxxers. Or whatâs left of them.
The music industry is big and hard-bitten enough to weather this storm, but against a Government without its best interests at heart itâll take vigilance and mutual support across the board, from all corners, to ensure it emerges into the ânew normalâ with its hull intact. In the year that keeps on taking, letâs not forget to give back to the grassroots.
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