In any other year but 2020, what would you risk your life for? A child? A loved one? A pet? A political cause? Maybe your favourite dessert? Well, it is 2020 and natural selection is still in full flow, weâre pleased to report. Weâre less pleased to report that itâs being showcased at concerts all across â you guessed it, America.
Thousands of people are gathering at gigs and âherd immunityâ festivals across the pond, and not even to watch Oasis reform, nor Kurt Cobain to rise from the dead, but to bands where they had one song where you go, âOh yeah, themâ at the end of a night in your hometown nightclub on Christmas Eve.
The âHerd Immunityâ festival that took place in Wisconsin in July was quickly renamed âJuly Mini Festâ after some bands refused to play (not daft haired metallers Static X, though â they were there like a shot in the arm of Covid. Well, do they do â no shit â have a song called ‘Wisconsin Death Trip’). And just last week the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota went ahead, attracting 250,000 people over 10 days and featuring performances from a number of bands including Smash Mouth, whose lead singer Steve Harwell shouted âWeâre all here together tonight! Fuck that COVID shit!â to his adoring, non-socially distanced fans.
Imagine, for a moment, being questioned in the hospital about what contact youâve had with people â were you on a slightly busy bus on your way to your second job that couldnât be avoided? Perhaps youâre a teacher and caught it from one of your students? No, you were shouting the words to Smash Mouthâs one hit that was in Shrek, while sweating against someone youâve never met before.
The festivalâs official description reads like a spoof, boasting that it “features motorcycle shows, a roller derby and a number of nightly musical performances from the likes of Smash Mouth, Trapt, Buckcherry, Drowning Pool, Night Ranger, Reverend Horton Heat, Lit, 38 Special, Quiet Riot, and Big Skillet.” Oh, well â count me in! If thereâs one way to go, itâs listening to a band youâve never heard of, named after a frying pan, at a roller derby.
Are we missing something? Has there been a memo saying itâs better to get a potentially deadly disease if youâre listening to bands who think itâs fine to play a festival in the middle of a pandemic? It sort of sounds like one of those â70s suicide cults, but with a much shitter soundtrack.
Continuing the trend, there was an enquiry into a gig by The Chainsmokers in The Hamptons (the posh area in upstate New York thatâs always mentioned in TV shows) after the crowd appeared to be showing no signs of social distancing. If you havenât heard The Chainsmokers, picture lift music thatâs become sentient. Thatâs what these people were risking their lives for. A band who are named after a practise that causes cancer, and who look like The Village People tried to look a bit edgy for a night out in Preston Spoons.
The States almost make us here in the UK look good, with drive-in gigs featuring The Streets, Kaiser Chiefs, and Dizzee Rascal cancelled due to local lockdown fears. Look how responsible we are! You know, aside from the whole, highest death rate in Europe thing â but whoâs counting? Certainly not the Government.
Thereâs some light at the end of the tunnel, with Sam Fender opening the countryâs first major socially distanced outdoor show in Newcastle this week, with 2,500 punters spread over 500 tables, two metres apart from each other. At least the portaloo situation would probably be better, the usual âVietnam warâ experience relegated to the past.
If youâre conscious of not killing others but really need to go to a gig, you might want to get yourself over to Germany, where scientists are looking for volunteers to attend a concert by singer-songwriter Tim Bendzko, where theyâll trial how concerts can happen going forward, tracking movements of the crowd and assessing the risk posed to punters. Nothing like enjoying music while helping humanity, guys!
You know that game you play with your mates after a few pints sometimes? If you had to choose a way to die, what would you choose? Popular answers include âdrug fuelled orgy gone wrongâ, âquick bullet to the headâ and the old classic from your mate Paul that never plays properly âpeacefully in my sleepâ. You canât have that, Paul! Thatâs not how the game works! Thatâs the equivalent of saying youâd wish for more wishes! And while weâre at it, you never buy a round! Anyway, my point is, nobody has ever answered it with âwatching Smash Mouth at a motorcycle event in South Dakota.â And that should tell you something.
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